All we have done is suffer and fight
When all I crave is love and respite.
Where once I felt my heart warm and bold
Now is there only sorrow and cold.
I long to return to how we were
Those faded memories seem to blur.
Long have I feared losing you for good
Observing you leave from where I stood.
Forgotten because of newer things
The tears drowning my eternal pangs.
This future I do not desire
As my aspirations grow higher.
I do not wish to leave you behind
Though I fear you will not love in kind.
***
Published 8/22/10
Another substantial time skip. There was significantly less stream-of-consciousness writing up until this date. I think by now I had had two or three fairly hot and heavy relationships, and had been sorting out how to handle those emotions.
This was about the time I realized I was okay with the concept of polyamory, but it is definitely not my primary/default relationship status.
The subject of this particular poem was a girl from high school I started dating the beginning of my Sophomore year. I would later learn someone else was particularly wounded by my decision, and though we’re still friends, I think this particular relationship fouled any chances of dating her down the road. Ironic, because my dense-self had been trying to feel her out and I couldn’t read any signals so I moved on. As an aside: isn’t that still the problem these days? Dating sucks.
Anyway, this is actually more about me than it is her. I was distancing myself because she was wanting to pursue a theatre college in the PNW, and the school I was at was the best place to easily go for my particular course of the study at the time (biomedical engineering) and I knew as much as I liked her, my personal and professional development took priority over romance. It wasn’t long after this that we formally broke up.
She ended up not going to the theatre school and we dated again like eight years later. There’s a lot of history there, but life just keeps moving us in different directions. I’m glad that was a lesson I could learn with her. You can get along great and harbor a great amount of affection for someone, but circumstances might keep you apart and that’s okay.
Cherish the feelings and memories you shared.
Rampant Swan 