Our Paradise

The crackle of flame
The warmth of touch
The feeling of comfort
That only you bring.

The thrill of adventure
Found in your embrace
The feeling of safety
When I look at your face.

Our first chapter draws to a close.

I’ve not been the man I said I’d be.

Yet my love runs ever deeper.
I yearn for your hand in mine.

I see everything you do
I hear everything you say
I think about you every day
I feel the best I’ve ever felt.

Pure love is a funny thing
That easily evades my words.
Sadness, pain — those words come so easy.

These do not.

Like a star, your love burns so bright
Its warmth heating me to my core.
Though I fear getting burned
I fight my instinct to look for shade.

I may seem hesitant
I may seem afraid
But I am ready
To stand in the light with you.

I want the world to feel our love
To shield their eyes from our brilliance.

I want you to know that I stand firm
And welcome you into my heart.

I have come this far
Weathered, battered, and cold.
I came to you weary and scarred.
With you I have grown and healed.

You choose to stand with me
Through the last traces of those pains
When even I was not prepared
For the storm before the calm.

I want to look at myself again
As I stand next to you
Years from now
And barely notice the scars I once bore.

Every day that I feel your radiance
Replenishes my body and soul.
Together we can have the world
And turn it into our own paradise.

By Light of Full Moon

Often do I gaze skyward
Into the night sky
And gaze reflectingly
On that cherished silver satellite.

Coincidence? Fate?
That I look up,
At the end of three decades,
With so much ahead of me.

The moon is full.
Bright, large, and dominating.
Ushering in
The end of an era.

Tomorrow’s dawn
Brings a new calculation
The end of the moon’s phase
The pathway to a new beginning.

So it is for me as well.
This night ends
And I awake
Under a new decade.

I cherish you,
My moonlight,
And trust these signs
And heed them well.

I shall rise

And charge.

The Eternal Scale: Part 4

“Ah the Goldleaf Farm!” Aldrick exclaimed as the entrance to the modest residence came into view. It was situated in a fenced off area separate from the fields surrounding it, and featured a small pond and a detached structure with multiple doors surrounding it. “Good folk they are, and room enough for travellers! Though,” he paused and looked over his shoulders at the trailing Marienne and Enyo, “they may be less-than-hospitable to some.” He winked and turned his head back forward.

“Might even be lucky and have Goodsir Goldleaf part with some of his private stock, eh Aldrick?” Egar chided his brother, as if referencing some by-gone event.

“It’s early in the harvest yet, brother. Very likely indeed!” he said with some excitement.

Ixar interrupted the exchange curtly, “We’ll be to Wellington and back before the sun sets I’m sure. You can do whatever you wish with your coin after the job is done.”

“Of course, of course,” Aldrick motioned as if he was waving away the thought, “besides, can’t have any of the Goldleafs’ daughters thinkin’ us ineligible in the company of you lot.”

Enyo saw an opening. “I doubt your choice of female companions would be the first thing that disqualified you.”

“Probably at least the sixth,” Marienne added.

The two exchanged and look, both smiling in approval.

Egar was the one to stop and wheel around, the blow striking something in him. “Oh just you wait and see, witches. They’ll be swoonin’ in the streets once me ‘n Aldrick are the most feared mercs in Avar!”

“I would like to see that actually,” Enyo retorted, “but don’t take offense if I don’t hold my breath in anticipation of the day.”

Egar held her gaze for a moment before making a disapproving click with his tongue and catching back up with his brother.

Another half-hour of travel in silence brought them to the fork in the road. Continuing West would mean they would finish the days travel at Fort Eastmarch. Traveling North, however, would send them to Wellington and the foothills of the Eastmarch Mountains. It was rough terrain, and Wellington was the only town in this part of the Confederacy accessible by the main road. All the other major mining towns were located towards the Eastern edge of the mountains, where the foothills were less aggressive in their march towards the sea. Naturally, they headed North.

The last leg to Wellington was desolate in Enyo’s eyes. Torgar was heavily forested, a borderline jungle. Her home back in the Creation Islands was no forest, but the tropical vegetation was abundant and groves of trees a common sight on even the smallest land masses. The foothills were craggy and covered in hardy grasses, which stood in stark comparison to the amber grasslands stretching into the farmland visible from miles with their ever-increasing elevation. However, as they drew closer to the base of the mountains, the canopies of evergreens shot skyward. These were trees either ill-suited for the shipyards, or too inaccessible to be worth the cost of transport to the shipwrights and their suppliers. By no means were the dense canopies — but Enyo knew from this distance each individual tree was likely a spectacle in its own right.

Their pace had slowed over the rough terrain, but true to Ixar’s word, the next two hours of travel brought them at last to semi-sure footing. Before them, a scant few miles in the distance, the hearths of Wellington gently plumed. It was an idyllic sight compared to the prior countryside to Enyo — the town was no more than a few dozen buildings of simple construction nestled into the shadows of the peaks above them. A large lake glittered under the sun high in the sky, the path to the town taking a winding sweep to the East of the lake before entering the town. On the West bank, a surprisingly dense and shrubby collection of trees wedged itself between the lake and the sheer cliffs. No road nor even foot path branched off that direction. They pressed on toward their destination.

No guards slowed their entrance to the village. Indeed, no one seemed to be doing much of anything. Ixar felt her training kick in as she eyed the buildings suspiciously, straining to hear any movement. She relaxed as they went deeper, as she started to hear the sounds of domestic work and then a loud burst of laughter from what seemed to be the tavern further up the gentle slope to the base of the mountains.

Even Aldrick perked up at the crack of laughter. “Sounds like we won’t need the Goldleaf reserve after all, Egar!”

“Aye brother,” Egar replied with a grin and a hopefully glance towards Ixar.

Ixar ignored the pair. Just past the sign for The Pickled Minnow she could discern the traditional Confederacy-styled townhouse that marked the mayor’s seat. She blew past the tavern, offering over her shoulder “I’ll check-in with the mayor and see what needs to be done. Wait in the tavern while I figure out if we need to do anything else.

Her companions obeyed, and they filed into The Pickled Minnow. The inside had a comfortable volume even though it was occupied by roughly a dozen men dressed in miner’s outfits. Enyo noticed their clothes were remarkably clean for belonging to miners in a mining town. A few tossed the group some glances, a few further doing a double-take to make sure they actually saw an elf and a demonkin adventurer. That earned a few murmurs from the small crowd, since their kind were rarer this far East.

“Welcome to The Pickled Minnow adventurers!” The balding and portly tavern keeper greeted them, and motioned to a vacant bench. “If you need anything, just ask. We’ve plenty of stock.”

The brothers grabbed a couple of pints each, while Enyo and Marienne refilled their water skins. The brothers exchanged their usual banter as they drained their pints to pass the time until Ixar returned.

Ixar ducked under the entry-way to the townhouse, relieved to find the ceilings much more accommodating. Her eyes adjusted to the dimly-lit interior, resting on the elderly human male scribbling away at parchments surrounded by scrolls and bills. He had not yet noticed his visitor. She did her best approximation of a throat-clearing that a dragonkin could before speaking, “Mayor Wellington?”

The man seemed to jump slightly, and adjusted his small spectacles. “Hm? Yes I’m Mayor Wellington — oh! You must be from the Adventurer’s Guild.”

“That’s correct. Ironscale Iron Works sent us to investigate the situation with the mine?”

“Yes,” his eyes drifted to the papers scattered around the desk,”production has been problematic lately. I’m sure you noticed all the workers are forced to idle.”

“Is there a problem with the mine, Mayor?” Ixar tilted her head curiously. For some reason, she hadn’t expected him to so forth-coming about the issue.

“Did your companion not send word? A tribe of goblins appeared out of nowhere and occupied the currently productive arms of the mine.”

“My companion?” Ixar was genuinely confused. There shouldn’t be anyone else involved.

“Yes, strange fellow. Human, broad. Carried a big sword. Anyway, he went into the mine yesterday and has yet to report back.”

None of this added up to Ixar. No one had sent word back to the guild. They had seen to it, in fact, that there was no one else to even send word at all. Who exactly was this?

“Ah yes,” she replied, “I brought four of my companions as well. You say he hasn’t come back? He must be waiting for us to make his move.”

“Oh excellent,” the mayor seemed genuinely relieved to hear it, “hopefully this nonsense can be behind us soon and you can inform the Ironscales their orders will be fulfilled again.”

“Let’s hope so, Mayor Wellington.” Ixar punctuated the words with a slight hint of malice. “Now, excuse me. We mustn’t waste anymore time or resources.”

With that, Ixar turned to leave and gather her companions at The Pickled Minnow.

Umbra

That biting cold
My familiar friend
The only companion
In this eternal night.

Cast to darkness once again
Abandoned by the moonlight
Denied the warmth of coming dawn
I slide to the shadows, my home.

Which is not to say
The dark prison of earth
Is something to detest
And resent.

I yearn to stretch beyond the horizon
To dance among the stars
To court the celestial bodies
And taste the great beyond.

Yet the escape is blocked
That final tug
To escape the world’s weight
Has yet to connect.

Worn and heavy I rise again
Searching again
For my star, my moon

My guiding light.

Review: Rain

Fall, rain, fall. 

Wash the world, 
Rinse us of sorrow and strife. 

Each perfect drop, splendor untold, 
Crash upon our world, provide us life. 

If only you could cleanse all of the Earth. 

Gently now you mist the surroundings, 
Soothingly now you calm the soul. 

All is made clear, clouding things, 
Never relent, nor lull.

***

Published 11/13/10

This is the last poem I wrote on my old blog. It was one of the last three posts as well.

Written on a rainy Fall day (my favorites!) it’s a common sentiment I still feel today. I enjoy walks in the rain. Through the woods, through downtown — you name it, I’ll walk around in the rain. A gentle rain is more pleasing than a heavy, but I once went downtown to walk when the river nearly flooded the rain and winds were so heavy. It was great.

I think there’s something primal about rain. The smells it brings out. The life it gives. The way it refreshes the world. Yet, it’s never quite enough to clean the whole world of our marks upon it.

I think about how in the 90s, acid rain was increasingly a problem. We nearly completed our ultimate corruption of the environment: poisoning the very rain that fuels our essential water cycle. We were able to reverse it, but I can’t help but see the other things we refused to address as our oceans continue to warm — the other essential part of the water cycle.

I hope my beloved rain can continue to refresh the world awhile longer, and only wish it would rain so hard and so long that it finally could wash our blight away.

Review: Return

All we have done is suffer and fight 
When all I crave is love and respite. 

Where once I felt my heart warm and bold 
Now is there only sorrow and cold. 

I long to return to how we were 
Those faded memories seem to blur. 

 Long have I feared losing you for good 
Observing you leave from where I stood. 

Forgotten because of newer things 
The tears drowning my eternal pangs. 

 This future I do not desire
 As my aspirations grow higher. 

 I do not wish to leave you behind 
Though I fear you will not love in kind.

***

Published 8/22/10

Another substantial time skip. There was significantly less stream-of-consciousness writing up until this date. I think by now I had had two or three fairly hot and heavy relationships, and had been sorting out how to handle those emotions.

This was about the time I realized I was okay with the concept of polyamory, but it is definitely not my primary/default relationship status.

The subject of this particular poem was a girl from high school I started dating the beginning of my Sophomore year. I would later learn someone else was particularly wounded by my decision, and though we’re still friends, I think this particular relationship fouled any chances of dating her down the road. Ironic, because my dense-self had been trying to feel her out and I couldn’t read any signals so I moved on. As an aside: isn’t that still the problem these days? Dating sucks.

Anyway, this is actually more about me than it is her. I was distancing myself because she was wanting to pursue a theatre college in the PNW, and the school I was at was the best place to easily go for my particular course of the study at the time (biomedical engineering) and I knew as much as I liked her, my personal and professional development took priority over romance. It wasn’t long after this that we formally broke up.

She ended up not going to the theatre school and we dated again like eight years later. There’s a lot of history there, but life just keeps moving us in different directions. I’m glad that was a lesson I could learn with her. You can get along great and harbor a great amount of affection for someone, but circumstances might keep you apart and that’s okay.

Cherish the feelings and memories you shared.

Review: Symbolism?

I walked away, and everything was fine.
I walked away, and under some trees.

I stopped to look up at the dying leaves,
shaped like hearts, listing in the breeze.

The wind picked up, and one floated free.
It landed perfectly in front of me.

From that moment on my heart weighed heavy.
I only wonder what it all could mean.

***

Published 10/14/09

Boy did I have to read through a lot of stream of consciousness between that last poem and OCTOBER of the same year. I didn’t really date in high school; one girl I saw for all of a single marching band season, another for like two months after that, and my life-long crush had just started dating someone when I asked her out. That was pretty much the extent of my romantic life in high school.

Here, I’m halfway through my first college semester. A lot of my classmates have attended the same university, and this poem in particular is about a girl I hadn’t seen since middle school. There’s a lot to be said about the relationship we had through and after college, but it was not particularly healthy. I was non-committal, and she was too quick to commit. We’ve stayed in touch, though. It would be hard to say I still have feelings for her, but she is definitely one of the first “real” relationships I had as an “adult.”

This is a quite literal poem. I had just given her our usual farewell hug/kiss see you after the next block of classes thing, and I was walking between the Engineering Building and Library on campus. Something felt off, and it was shortly after this we stopped seeing each other for awhile. I would have to go confirm the tree species, but I believe it was a type of “lime” tree. At the very least, those are the closest to the leaf shape I could find.

Also, writer tip #367 employed here: the end question is of course rhetorical. You know exactly what it means, and my intuition was correct. I still do that, so it’s good to see(?) a habit I developed early sticks around in some fashion.

Review: Fields of Enlightenment

Something I’ve been meaning to do for awhile is transfer over some of my old writing from when I really started trying to do it for “fun.” I’ll place these in my “Creative Writing” section but they will have “Review:” before the title of the original. I’ll then copy the original text, and then write about it.

I think this will be a fun exercise so I can see my emotional, mental, and technical growth as both a writer and a person. Maybe you’ll get some level of enjoyment from it too.

So, let’s dive in: May 21, 2009. 17 year old me was as fresh as fresh could be out of high school, and college was looming in the distance:

***

A gentle breeze swept across the great field 
The sky was blue without a cloud in sight
The long swaying grass stretched beyond all view

It seemed as if it went on forever

In this calm field one’s thoughts may freely bloom
Much like the wild flowers that grow about
Fed by their freedom and the shining sun

Without a fear of destruction or harm

So stay awhile in my humble abode
And share or learn and feel always at home
Safe in the fields where one is free to be

In these endless Fields of Enlightenment

***

I think my repetition of the words with the “free” root adequately frames where my head was at when I wrote this. I felt like my freedom was beginning to take shape, and I was opening myself up to the world and all the possibilities. I wanted to be a person that shared their thoughts, and encouraged conversation.

I like to think I’ve lived up to that desire.

Present me thinks of a spring day in a forest clearing as this location, and I imagine the people I care about gathering there to enjoy the beauty of the world and each other. I wonder how different that vision is from back then?

Overall, I think it’s held up decently well. I feel like I could write something similar today, but these somehow don’t feel like my words.

The Patriot (2000)

Scrolling through Netflix on a rather boring night, I stumbled across The Patriot. I was either 9 or 10 when the movie originally released, and I saw it then. I might have watched once or twice more after that — as I recall, it was one of the first DVDs my family owned. Some odd quirk of the TV and DVD player combo at the time made the screen flash, but I enjoyed it all the same. I don’t think I ever really got much about it in my youth except for a few main points: 1776, American independence, British are baddies, and war is gruesome.

Fast forward to 2022 and several national and global catastrophes later, I’m double the age (close to triple depending on when) from the last time I saw it. I’ve learned more about history, warfare, and humanity since then. I remembered a lot of the plot, but I was much more affected by the themes this time around. I’m not going to praise the movie as some masterpiece of the human experience or anything like that, but bear with me for a little bit.

Let me start with that The Patriot is. It’s a work of mostly historical fiction, but grounded in the constraints of the era. It’s a drama, not an action movie. It’s a small story. It’s a personal story. It’s maybe even a little artsy.

So what isn’t it? An action movie. A propaganda piece. An alternative history. A commentary on America.

From where I see it, it’s the story of Benjamin Martin using the backdrop of the Revolutionary War to tell it. The movie opens with a quote and near the end we see it finished prior to the final battle, as spoken by Benjamin: “I have long feared that my sins would return to visit me, and the cost is more than I can bear.”

The sins he speaks of (sorry for the 22 year old spoilers) are at minimum his massacre of the Cherokee and French that killed a fort of British Settlers during the French and Indian War. He describes his atrocities to his son Gabriel, after a prompt about “men always buying him a drink.”

His wife died at the age of 35, some 3 years give or take before the events of the movie, and he was left raising their 7 children with the help of (we don’t really get their story directly) the freed slaves that chose to stay with the Martin’s and later help hide his family during the remaining years of war. He seems to also receive occasional help from his sister-in-law Charlotte, whom he later kindles a small romance with.

Which is all to say, he is a haunted man that had been running from his past and trying to hold his family together. It all begins to unravel when his eldest son Gabriel runs off to join the Continental Army after a vote in Charles Town to levy troops that Benjamin opposed, speaking of his unwillingness to risk his family to the horrors of war in the colonies.

Those struggles of a father are perhaps what resonate most with me. I don’t have my own family yet, but I’m finally at an age and experience where I can understand Benjamin in a way I had not before. While I do not fear my past sins (yet) there are other things in my past that way heavy on who I am as a person. Will the actions of myself and others taint me, and haunt me through the trials of my life? Likely yes, and Benjamin shows us that’s okay. Those things cost us, and they will demand their debt be satisfied before long. For Benjamin, the cost is ultimately two of his sons and a fair portion of the men that followed him and the community that supported them.

In the end, something better does rise from those ashes. A new future. A better future. It only requires us to pick up the flag and charge into that unknown future.

As far as the historical backdrop goes, everything looked and felt right. There was clearly more than a token effort taken to props and set dressings, and it all feels convincing. The tropes of American ingenuity on the battlefield are perhaps overexaggerated, but they are grounded in reality: Francis Marion is likely a key source of Benjamin Martin’s character. Marion was known as “the Swamp Fox” (compared to Martin being “the Ghost”) known for guerilla tactics in the swamps of South Carolina (compared to Martin bein based in an old Spanish mission in the swamps). Marion was absent from the crushing defeat of General Gates at Camden (likely the battle Benjamin and Gabriel witness from the abandoned plantation). Marion also had a hated reputation and eluded capture by the British in South Carolina. Marion then later joined Nathanael Greene, “The Savior of the South,” who would drive the British from the Carolinas and essentially seal the way to Yorktown. This is the exact path “The Patriot” follows in telling its story, so I appreciate it being so well-grounded in the period.

Overall, it holds up after 22 years. The story means something different to me now than it to me as a youth. I also think it’s critical that it came out prior to 2001. I can’t help but be cynical and thing if this movie came out post 9/11, it would have been a much more “America” type movie, and might have suffered for it. Instead, the subtle patriotism of the promise of a better future of “a free country” where “all will be equal” does more than enough to remind the American audience what was at stake during the Revolutionary War. It even has progressives takes (that are period accurate) such as slaves joining the army for their freedom on said promise of equality, and the women in the movie doing their part to leave their marks on the historic conflict. I can only imagine the tweets today about how Hollywood is pushing their agenda by making up diversity in the Revolutionary War, blissfully ignorant of how critical the not-white-male demographic was to the period.

So, if you haven’t seen it: give it a watch. I hesitate to call it “fun” but it holds up, and will likely make you feel something. Isn’t that all we can ask for as we fork over $x/month to all these streaming services? Feel free to share your thoughts here as well.